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If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something1 x7 c& l5 _8 j) _- r; E; T
wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get3 f8 K. u2 V7 c1 M6 u- `/ W
into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary:' ^) S3 d9 r3 y# S5 m
$ Y" x& C7 J) K, R# J8 wFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a7 ~, S& f0 O9 c
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I! w, N& H2 c4 ?8 f+ |: S7 Q
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 259 E9 E' b% _% q0 `9 q2 T
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a6 W# S# R3 x8 ^# I+ D
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer7 @2 r$ k, m8 N: t$ B5 E. L
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics, o& N, @- R" j- C2 y
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
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8 p/ \4 [2 u# z7 I9 ?My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club) b# u: k$ @& u# u! }
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.+ q7 s* Q( z3 V$ Q1 ]
9 A: [* h d# N6 B
MONDAY:! V, ]2 f3 b7 f% Q& J/ Q8 T
) I' c* h M& }: G& DStarted my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
! m/ y( P. `- m: O! Uworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for, U |, t. C9 ^6 V
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing5 M, l" S: P) k+ N/ A: M6 a7 U7 g9 Y; Q
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
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She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed# n" L+ h3 p7 Q6 K6 }7 v$ F3 e; ~
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her# {. G% w7 J$ H* n
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in; |' \. V; U+ N7 f/ { j
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.; b+ d- F: S. D# u' }5 T$ K
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Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,$ C8 l! c6 A; p1 E: \% H! V4 S M
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
9 Z# z/ r2 k/ Ewas around.4 z+ y% g7 @( G; h7 N! _
) n/ h- A- z! f; nThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
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TUESDAY:& N- W' Z/ k3 o! q
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
& ^* Y% }) j3 ^3 N) rBelinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
' [' `8 I, I) T. G- ?and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the& _' L( p% T+ K) a; c q% D7 b0 z' W
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
! ?/ S2 a* D3 c; \5 v u0 Kall worthwhile.; K% [, ?) [+ V. e# _: n' q, p
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I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.4 S7 E, @% M' D( F# ^
9 {% h4 C/ d9 v% _# GWEDNESDAY:6 ^% n+ E. w8 M0 E
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
! e; p( S- q% T& b$ cthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have+ D8 C) [. H9 b; M$ G5 e- q! T
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to% c: a3 w+ ^3 m* Z2 e- D3 v8 r+ d
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams7 Z# K' Z. b5 \- u( d; }$ O) N9 ]5 a
bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
0 i! [7 Y% ?+ y2 ~; E, X8 E+ Learly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
- B/ @, `" Y. u* d! Ythat is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
+ O4 p* K( [$ k8 ABelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
2 ~/ |5 L' }, {' K0 Qmachine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
# b; u3 d# c- A1 g) a9 stold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.% D# s: j Y, ^9 x
1 N6 g b1 T V6 k1 ]4 kShe said some other shit too.. T& j& M4 `; X2 I
e7 e) D% v% ~5 G7 x
THURSDAY:
. h- w! w; i9 D/ R) |Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as: u% g; X4 D) Y4 j- R
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help {4 I+ x- X( b$ T1 I+ j
being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
0 n1 b2 n" p! y! v* jtook me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and: V1 e5 @) L5 V4 W' g6 y- S
hid in the men's room./ S+ m" _ B6 A/ A3 N+ Q& |6 ~8 a
% _1 v; Y* Y7 r. J4 x# wShe sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing2 G! o, z0 a- L. L
machine -- which I sank.) S8 v5 h, _( g: }
1 ^0 b( p: n" R+ ^FRIDAY:2 E: x- t( c# b% ^8 z; E. Z
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated3 `0 N0 z- f* T) b" @6 c: ?
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,: L" j X [% f+ c- D+ i5 `
anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I& |& v( D: C9 ]; P
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
" N+ U3 }+ [# A$ ]0 t" S! Twanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!6 v- g; m3 L* B+ w( P
1 k* ]3 F# {) f$ x3 A( ^# @And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me0 n: p& @. u7 o) g# u" E3 {
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.# U( e* q4 L; l
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The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
$ Z: L8 C) s; g, u! J7 `teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
I1 z# ?2 K$ R5 x4 G; `or the choir director?3 e0 R9 W, F( M
* A: ^$ I6 m( V; s2 C) DSATURDAY:
% F$ A% I+ R8 q1 G$ e9 R1 |Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,+ s4 y; W% \7 R+ R
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
; M8 C: y2 N7 `8 tmade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the$ w% |3 x+ q+ G- ?3 ~ H
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
7 }# E7 l1 v+ A" Thours of the Weather Channel.
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( x$ R% w$ ~) G# fSUNDAY:+ Q. M+ J) A! F/ B$ i
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go" D3 N3 v0 f, I
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
K f. E) v4 d( Y" }4 W2 {my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like4 ^, B" Q4 R+ E+ H* n+ _. v
a root canal or a vasectomy! |
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发表于 2008-1-22 12:49
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发表于 2008-1-22 13:23
